Today...was hard to start. Yesterday, I awoke to find Tarack missing, without a trace or a hint of where he had gone. I didn't panic then, as I'd left him a few times, and I didn't know if he had learned to write yet. When the second morning came without his return, I felt the first seed of worry begin to sprout within me.
So I wandered.
I got a book from the mages, about the History of the Ayr`Dal - while not nearly as important to me as the history of miri familia, I desire to know much of everything, as a bard should.
Peppered with interesting comments, the book lead me from the forest in Antonica where the Coven resides across the Steppes and through Nektulos to the Commonlands...where Kelshinth lives.
If asked, or mentioned, Kelsh is always called my half-brother but not for the normal reasons people use the word.
Kelsh and I were together inside of mum for months, when there was nothing to the world but us. Everything else didn't matter, because we didn't know that it existed; we only knew each other and in a vague and comforted way, our mum. Before we knew words, or letters or anything like that, we could communicate without words - I knew what he was about and he knew what I was about. Even after our birth, we knew each other like it was ourself. Drove our familia nuts that we didn't need to speak, though the women always spoke of magic and favour when they spoke of our connection.
Long after mum died, and the sky fell, Kelsh vanished with some of our closest kin's belongings - he too three trinkets of me Grams, a trinket or two of mums, our papa's ring from mum, some books, some paints and things, and some clothing.
Vargas was enraged, and at our father's deathbed, the last four remaining of our familia held a kris, and pronounced Kelsh marhime - an unclean outcast of our familia and our nation, worse than even the most foolish gaje.
Kelsh is half me...Kelsh isn't one of the familia now by our laws...so he's half a man now, if that...half brother is so fitting for him.
But anyways...I knew before I left Nektulos he could feel me closing the distance between us, because I could feel it. While we are not supposed to go near the marhime, it is impossible for me to stay away from him when he is so near by. And I had told Sir D`Narin I would get that trinket for him, so the choice had been made long before I had asked the question.
Our time together is bittersweet. As any person would, I always wish to hold him while we speak, be close like we were before; Kelsh knows our ways, and refuses to touch me, less someone find out and pronounce me marhime as well. Though I can tell it bothers him to keep such a distance between us, he forces himself to remain away, pacing about the room - slowly at first, but the longer we are together, the faster he paces until he is nearly frantic.
He was, of course, curious as to why I was requesting - above all the other trinkets and books he stole - for Grams' things. So much of our Grams was kept from us, and of course we always wondered about her because of it. She had at one point been didikai, but because she left mum with the familia and returned to her life in Felwith - or wherever - she'd nearly been made marhime; we were never told, and hushed if we ever asked, why Grams was never marked like the others were who left. A whole bundle of mysterious she'd been for us for so long, I cound understand his desire to know my intent.
You may be able to lie to yourself, but you can't lie to another half of you, so I told him the truth. He was a bit bothered, but he was just as curious of a creature as I, so he turned the two badges and the strange pin thing over to me. I was surprised to see that he had been wearing the dark badge as a clasp for his cloak; though he lived close to Freeport, and seemed to brood often, he never struck me as being bad - the badge, however, was overflowing with evil.
It scared me, and he knew it, but he remained silent.
By then I was very unsettled, and had to leave him - I couldn't even remember where I was supposed to go next to visit the places the book mentioned, I only knew I wanted to be back in Antonica where it was safer.
I made it to the tavern in the wilds, and stayed there to drink - or so I thought - for quite some time. The ale tasted sour in my mouth, and I found myself so distracted I could not carry on a conversation for long; I tried to focus myself by playing, but all I could manage were brigaki dijilia - dirges of sorrow.
Course, my lack of ale drinking and nearly complete silence caused quite a stir, as the frequent patrons knew Vhargas and I as the wild ones who could drink ale like water. After their concerns were distracted by other things going on in the bar, I thought to try drinking water, like Tar does - he said something about a clear mind and water, so it was worth a try.
For a long while, I could only stare at it while I finally told Vassnti and Drokin why I was quiet and why I was drinking water - well, part of it. I only told them my...house guest...was missing, though Tar is clearly more than that to me, they've no knowledge of it yet. Both were concerned to know that Tarack had gone missing on me, and both said they would look for him.
I didn't get a chance to drink the water. Vhargas entered, saw the water and began to grill me for why I had no ale. I covered up several things by telling him I had seen the marhime; while angered, it was more at Kelsh than I, and he nearly poured ale down my throat and told me to forget the marhime existed.
We sat at a table with Vassnti and Drokin, and when a stranger entered, we welcomed him to our table; sadly, it turns out he is - to use the gaje word for them, as they do not deserve to be graced with Romane - a Tinker, and a strange one at that. He is by nature not a friend, but I dislike making anyone an enemy instantly, though after seeing the symbols that formed within his things, I should have.
Sadly, we were not there long, and we will not be going back for quite some time - despite rules and warnings that the tavern is neutral, and certain things should not occur there, some things have. Vhargas was enraged and stormed out, informing them all that we would not be back until things were mended. In his anger and quickness he missed something stuck into the door frame - a small dark green silk packet of silken material.
Inside were a mint leaf, a feather and a copper - a sign from the man at the table.
Vhargas took them, and with Vassnti in tow, we went to work off our frustrations by killing the gnolls that Vas had to eliminate in order for the Queen to accept him. Eventually though, Vhargas' rage left him and he grew tired. Vas did as well, and we departed from each other's company.
Rather than go make camp with Vhargas, or stay in my still empty and untouched room, I wandered into North Qeynos to sit near the bakery. I like the smell of breads and treats being made, and enjoy watching the glyphs and symbols on the Claymore shift and move as though breathing. I had time to contemplate what I was feeling, not only about Kelsh but about Tarack and our few close and passionate moments - how they were different, and what that difference meant as well as how I felt about them.
My thoughts were interrupted by a lad trying to watch the distant guards and track their movements. He was alright for his age, but he forgot what he was doing and ended up sticking out like a sore thumb. Eventually he took off to figure out more of the city before he committed to signing the citizenship papers.
Again I was left alone in contemplation, turning over in my mind what to do with Tarack. I was starting to make myself sick worrying what had become of him; the idea of it slowly dragging closer to being two days with him missing was doing something fiercely strange to me, and the confusing feelings stemming from that were getting to me.
Despite meaning to avoid it, my mind turned over his desire to learn more of the ways of the Rom. I could see a growing interest in our ways, something that could almost turn into a love for them. Over and over, I saw him lifting his hand to me as if the readings were the most natural thing in the world, and heard in my mind his questions - "So when may I learn how to do this?", "Can I learn more of your language?", and many more.
He knew of becoming didikai now, he had a name to make as a goal if he truly did desire to - he knew of Romipen, which could become the end goal should he feel strongly about what he learns. Neither shall be easy, and I cannot give either to him as I am now nothing but another schej within the Faullen camp.
But I will plea a case for him passionately with our Chivani, as I know of know one higher, if that is what he desires.
It came to me then...that the Hollow Watch would have twice the reason then to go after his hide. He was a Teir, and while they may not be as fascinating as the Feir were to them, almost all within this city had an innate hate for their kind. For him to reach Romipen, and be gypsy as well...would be much like a death contract signed with his blood.
My frightening thoughts were interrupted by a padding of soft feet that I knew.
Looking up, I saw Tarack, his dusty robes swaying about him like mists. I wished to jump up and was torn between pummeling his chest for not leaving me any clues, or just holding him in my arms as he explained to me what had happened.
Instead, I remained seated, and waited for an explination.
Noble to the last, Tar had gone away for what he felt was my own protection. He felt that someone - or many someones- had been searching for him, that they were people from his past that he was unsure of, and did not want them to find me and do anything to me...as had happened with the Feir in Neriak.
Once he had reassured me of the situation, he sat down facing me, close enough to reach out and touch, but far enough away to be polite; monks are so infuriating that way.
Worried himself, he asked what I had made of myself this past day, and I told him of all the things I could that transpired. Of course, he took great interest in my journey to the Commonlands and my talk with Kelsh, though it was clear he was bothered by the fact that I had gone there alone. While he had not lived there long, if at all, he was wary of Freeport and the surrounding areas and already on edge for my safety due to the Hollows.
As we spoke of my Grams, and I showed him the broken and beaten badge like his own, and it seemed to make him almost sad to see it in such a condition. He did not take it, but I think it was out of respect for Grams, despite not being sure if he had seen her with the walls of his Promises or not. Surely now though, if any, Sir D`Narin could do something with Grams' badge, once we found him.
When I told out the second one to show him, my hands became slow and sluggish, as if they did not wish to see the vile thing within. But, I knew that I had to show him both, even though the bad one had not directly been Grams'. As the strange pair of Ss became visible, I could feel a chill down my spine and for me the air changed; I was not sure if some sort of dark magic still lay asleep within the badge, or if perhaps a dark spirit had made its home there before it arrived in Grams' possession.
This badge was a shock to Tar, and he almost immediately took it from me to study, telling me of the darker ones who destroyed Promises. This had been their badge, their symbol and though I spoke of the darkness within it, he did not believe that the magics could last this long especially with their creator long dead.
As he held the dark badge, seemingly untouched by its darkness, I spoke of the third trinket of my Grams as I unwrapped it. When I showed him the symbol on the strange metallic pin - we actually never knew what it was, but at some point a straight pin clasp had been put on it - Tar seemed to react to it as I had the dark ones' badge. He told me that some who bore such a symbol were allowed to visit Promises, while others with this symbol would attack it; with such a torn history with them, I understand his revoltion with it.
Never a silent moment outside of sleep, I could hear Bet's voice through the crystal at my throat. She had made me some strongboxes and wished me to come get them quickly. Gathering up the trinkets, I told Tar of the need to return to the Wood, and held my breath as I waited for him to say if he would come back with me or not. With his fastly becoming easy smile, he followed me through Qeynos to the bank within the Wood.
Bets teased me about running with Tarack as she passed me the strongboxes, though after a moment, she asked Tar if he was taking good care of me. An odd question, till I remember that to elves, I'm still much a kid, but he assured her that I was well taken care of. With a final tease she was off and running, leaving Tar and I to our own devices.
While he'd been gone, Bets had given me a rather beautifully carved double bed for my apartment. Tucked into the far corner, near the alter of candles at the window seat, the surprise made him smile...though it was quite a bit before we made it there.
Unlike others I've been with, Tar is always gentle, as though he touches a fragile creature that might break if he even lays a hand against it too hard. As with the past few nights together, he was tender and caring when he touched and held me, but tonight there was something more. I don't know if it was his time away or something I'd said, because tonight he wanted everything - but so gently and slowly, and not all at one time. Being with Tar was beyond different than it had been with those in my past, but at least now I know that he wants me.
He'd said earlier that he'd not leave me as he had, vanishing into the thin air, again. And I now I know that he means it.
As I watch him sleep now, even in unconciousness waiting patiently for me to return to his side, I feel content and something I can't really put my finger on. When its time for me to know, I'm sure that it will give me a word for it, but for now, I only wish to lay in Tar's arms, and sleep.
Miri temno, rinkeni, kaulo gajo camo-mescro...me per adrey camova sar tu.
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