Turn Back Time

Give me time to reason, give me time to think it through
Coldwind had grown to be too much for him, her shadow constantly haunting him at every turn, his memories creating phantoms in his waking world and taunting him with the very thing he was trying to deny himself as he slept.

He began to wander, his feet carrying him aimlessly through Antonica and the Thundering Steppes, back to Nektulos as if by instinct. Each morning and each night he stopped to kneel in meditation, to try and center himself again only to find his thoughts kept returning to his memories and emotions.

For so long he’d denied himself even a sliver of anything but the calm he’d learned would lead to peace, but he’d finally faltered and let go; and now, even with his desperate attempts to silence them, he found they only grew stronger.

Passing through the Steppes at all was rough; every time he reached certain points, he could almost hear the fiery Betula lecturing him for acting upon his feelings. Her words echoed the general feelings of elven society, and each echo reminded him of how out of place they would be – reminded him of why he left.

Daily, his mind screamed of how wrong they had been, and of how nothing good could ever come from it, that he must keep moving away; his heart, however, shouted for him to turn back, to return and make things right again.

Passing through the season, where I cheated you
One of his more haunting visions was that of his lover falling to the floor, of her clawing to stand and finally crawling slowly towards him while tears slipped down her sun kissed cheeks. As it had then, it played in such slow motion, each tiny movement of her weakened body lasting for so long, could almost see the muscles collapsing.

Every fiber of his body, every wisp of his essence moved to catch her, but his mind betrayed him and forced him from the room; he’d become numb as he heard her screaming his name, heard her trying to stand and reach the door. If his mind hadn’t dulled his sense, he would have never been able to leave, which is what he thought he had to do.


I will always have a cross to wear, but the bolt reminds me I was there
Leaving her there, when she was scared and so weak…he didn’t even know if she’d been able to make it to the door, let alone back into the bed. Several times during his journey, he’d fought the urge to go back, fearing that she might have not made it anywhere.

Regardless of what happened, he could never forgive himself for letting her fall, for leaving her lying helpless on the floor…

So give me strength, to face this test tonight
After nearly a week, he realized how many days had passed, and that tonight Latharos and Diera would be wed within the Archer’s Woods. For a moment, he felt something foreign and strange; he envied them, deeply, for how simple love was for them and how joyous their lives would be together.

He wanted that again, though he didn’t know it till he’d found her. Instead, as before, he was met with walls and barriers keeping him from who he loved; though they were not made of steel and brick, they were just as strong.

And on the other side of those walls was a lost girl with emerald eyes.


If only I could turn back time, if only I had said what I still hide
Today he again found his mind wondering if she thought he didn’t love her, that his abandonment had been easy for him. He wondered if she knew how much he’d do to make her happy, even if it meant relearning everything he knew so that she would loose nothing by loving him.

Again he found himself wishing he could have found all the words he wanted her to hear, cursing himself silently for not taking the time to work them out in his mind and explain everything to her.

If only I could turn back time, I would stay for the night... for the night
Whenever his mind thought of what might have become of her, the image of her still laying on the floor, unable to ever pull herself back up onto the bed he wished that he had waited, left as she slept that morning, when he knew she would be physically alright.

But there was no way to undo the past…


Claim your right to science, claim your right to see the truth
For days he had believed that he was doing what was right, that she’d be far better off without him than with him in her life. And at first, he had started to believe himself, but as the days slipped away, he realized that maybe he wasn’t right.

He was torn between what his heart believed to be the truth, and what his mind and what he’d been taught believed to be the truth. Days in the wilderness, meditating and going through the motions he’d been taught felt off, and he’d still not found a center.

For the first time in nearly a week, his instincts got the better of him, and lost in thought, Tarack made his way towards Archer’s Woods.

Though my pains of conscience, will drill a hole in you
She had been working in the kitchens for days, at first working as a way to distract herself, and then she decided to cook up a few things for Diera’s wedding – it was the least she could do for the woman who may have very well saved her life. And though she surrounded herself with food and drink while she prepared for the event, the most she ate each day was a sandwich and endless cups of creamed black coffee.

When the coughing fits would befall her, she’d run from the stove or keg and curl up in a corner until they passed, carefully wiping the blood away with the lower edge of her apron. Luckily, luck as far as she was concerned, the Nature’s Bounty was generally empty aside from the wholesaler and his boss.

At times she would become light headed, resorting to drink pure jumjum juice to balance herself back out. Where once a flask of ale rested, a flask of the juice now waited for such episodes while another of water waited on the opposite hip for when she couldn’t stop coughing.

But the time finally arrived to carry the packs of food into the woods behind the second Claymore, and draining down a bottle of juice quickly, she picked up his abandoned bo staff and slowly made her way out.


I've seen it coming like a thief in the night
Though the ceremony was beautiful, and extremely crowded, she couldn’t stop looking over her shoulder; her ears twitched constantly, but not from the flowing words of her friends and their associates. Something was tugging at her, or at least she thought it was – by then she was starting to feel the week catch up to her, and for a good while she was able to convince herself that she was imagining things.

Soon she was able to forget about the feeling completely, as the ceremony had ended. After some silly tradition where Diera threw her bundle of flowers behind her back – and directly into Rhana’s lap – the thin woman stood up and began to serve the drinks and the food to the gathered guests.

But there was only so much food, and so many guests, and eventually she found herself sitting on the stone that overlooked the pond; the flowers were pretty, and made her think of him, and so she began weaving them into the leather straps of the bo. Occasionally, she would feel something, and turn around to look across the pond before chiding herself for believing it was instinct and not lack of sleep making her feel oddly.

I've seen it coming from the flesh of your light
Though he kept his distance, to avoid both her eyes and that of the several strong men who may or may not have been guards for the ceremony and festivities, it was easy for him to see what had become of her.

Nearly falling out of the tree, he felt his stomach turn over as he looked at her. She was dressed in the bright purple uniform many Qeynosian couriers, ambassadors and the like wore, but despite her occasional adjustments, it just didn’t seem to fit right. As he watched, the hands he knew so well seemed so frail, he feared one of the patrons might accidentally break one while taking their drink.


So give me strength, to face this test tonight
Barely breathing, he watched as she served the many gathered guests, almost calling out to her as an armour clad knight knocked into her. Spilling alcohol, regardless of circumstance was not acceptable, and some how she was able to shift and turn with the sudden shove, half dancing to keep the two shots of whisky balanced. It wasn’t until she finally sat down on the rock that he started breathing deeply again.

Watching her rest, his mind broke into turmoil again – his heart begged him to climb down out of the tree while his mind continued an ever-faltering argument.

Where was his courage now; so far gone that he was afraid to speak to someone so close? It was as if he were just a guard again, too shy to even tell his long-time employer how to pronounce his name.


If only I could turn back time, if only I had said what I still hide
She sat, listening to the conversations about her with ears twitching in time with various voices, however they slipped past her consciousness and into memory. As she twined each flower into the leather, her mind envisioned her last conversation with him again, except this time she was able to explain everything to him, make him understand that either way, she couldn’t live without once he was gone.

Once the last flower was resting against the bo, she sighed, wishing that she could actually go back to that night rather than just imagine it over and over again.

If only I could turn back time, I would stay.
Finally, after Latharos had lifted Diera onto his holy steed and taken her out of the woods, and the last guests began to wander away, she stood and began to walk back to Qeynos. Watching her leave, leaning heavily against the weapon he’d left behind, Tarack slowly lowered himself from the tree.

Sighing, he leaned back against the trunk, still unsure if he should follow her back or turn back towards the Steppes. He was terrified by her appearance, afraid that if he did return, he may break her small body with his bottled up affections.

Unsure of how long he stood beneath the trees, he slowly closed his eyes and let go of everything. The familiar calm came over his mind then, and he began to put one foot in front of the other, still facing the direction Rhana had left.

Mind and heart aside, his soul knew where he needed to be.


[OOC Note: The bold and italic text are the lyrics from Turn Back Time, by Aqua.]